What Pride Means To ME

It’s not about the parade outfit I spend a week planning, nor is it about the rainbows, no matter how fun that is. Just like Easter isn’t actually about a bunny, Memorial Day isn’t actually about grilled hot dogs and drinking beer, and Christmas isn’t just about receiving gifts. I know many people simply just don’t understand Pride Month. And that’s okay- you don’t have to understand it. The problem these days is that people fear the things they don’t understand, and instead of simply trying to learn, they just want the problem to go away. Does this feel familiar?

I want to tell you a little about my coming out story. Some have already heard this by now (or were part of it) but I think it’s important. Until recently, I wasn’t actually aware of how privileged I am to have the confidence I do. Well… confidence in my identity. Don’t ask me about my hair, flat butt, or “too skinny” body. Anyways, back to the point. I was raised with a certain bullheadedness which many people have seen personally. Bullheadedness has been the driving force of my confidence in my identity. I went on a date with my lovely wife, Danielle, on a summer day in 2018. Four days later I drove home from our base and I set out to tell my whole family I was gay. Now let me just say this… only FIVE days earlier I would have considered myself pretty straight-with curiosities. But here I was driving home to tell my family something that they might totally hate, literally less than a week before I deployed to Kuwait. The bullheadedness kicked in and I was unstoppable. Another two weeks and it was on social media for the whole world to see. Back to the topic of privilege, I experienced almost no homophobia in the first three years of our relationship. But then things in the United States shifted. And now, five years after coming out, I am finally facing the demons of homophobia. There have been tears, and honestly, I’m really effing scared.

I’ve never really considered love to be political. Even when I was right-leaning politically I still believed that gay people should have the right to marry. It was never really a question for me. Why should love be regulated if it isn’t hurting anyone? As we all know, some states in the U.S. are declining rapidly when it comes to LGBTQ+ rights. Looking right at you, Florida. But… why? Fear of things we don’t want to understand. That’s all it is, folks. Seriously. I want to preface this by saying that I have numerous friends who I hold very close to my heart who are religious, go to church, and are very pro LGBTQ+ rights. If you try to talk to a Christian who is using their religion as their basis for hate, and you question them about particular verses in the bible, it almost always starts with “well… it doesn’t actually mean that.” Okay, so explain why some things are taken word for word, despite mistranslations, and others are just theoretical? When a pastor (Jonathan Shelley- Stedfast Baptist Church, Texas) is recorded preaching that gay people are an abomination, & should be lined up and shot in the back of the head, and people CLAP for him? And you wonder why we have a pride month? People are calling for our deaths (picture me getting shot now, it helps my point), gay and trans folks are beaten in the streets, children are killing themselves because they don’t have an accepting family, we have shootings in gay bars, Neo-Nazi’s showing up to protest drag queen story time, trans teens can be taken from their homes in Florida, the right to marry still doesn’t feel secure, and people still don’t seem to know what gender affirming care means. Ladies.. want a boob job? Unfortunately, that is gender affirming care. Same with your facial plastic surgery, Botox, and any hormonal support you need during menopause. Now boys, I won’t leave you out. Nice hair transplant for your balding head. Oh, and how is that Viagra working out for you? Are you enjoying your gender affirming care? Does it make you feel whole and like your true self again? Sorry, gender affirming care is bad now, didn’t you get the memo?

Anyways! What was the topic again? Oh yeah, what pride means to me. Well now that I’ve laid down some framework let’s dive into that. To be honest, Pride Month for ME is mostly about ME. That sounds selfish but don’t worry, I’ll expand. I want to live my life as authentically as possible. I don’t care if you’re proud of me, but I do demand respect and decency. I am proud of myself- that’s the whole point. I am proud of the person I am– a loving wife, mother, daughter, and friend. Who happens to be gay. Did I just write the engraving for my future headstone? Lol y’all have to remind people of this when I’m dead one day. I strive to be a good role model for my son and any other potential future children. I want him to be proud of having two moms, and proud of our successes as a family instead of being ashamed. What makes me sad, though, is that with the “Don’t say Gay” legislation being passed throughout the country, will he even be able to talk about having two moms in school? If the kids draw pictures of their families, will they be able to display his like they can the other families?

A common phrase used by straight people is “I don’t care who’s in your bed, just don’t shove it in my face.” I have to touch on that one. I love my wife. Like, I really-really love my wife. Nobody drives me crazier, but it only makes me love her more. I hate when she snores, but I do love waking up next to her. But she’s more than just who is in my bed snoring all night. She’s my other half, the other mother to our child, the main provider for our family (& happy to do so), and most importantly, the love of my life. Even at my worst, she loves me the same and without judgement. She is caring, loving, and kind to everyone she meets- something that others sometimes fail to return back to her. I want to hold my wife’s hand in public without having to think about where I am or who is around. I don’t want to worry for my wife if she goes into a women’s public bathroom while wearing some masculine clothing and a ballcap over her short hair. But that’s our reality. We deserve better than that, don’t you think?

I am PROUD to be part of a generation who WILL overcome this. Even if there are a few steps backwards, I promise you, we will fight back. This will be a constant battle for our entire lives. I am PROUD to live this life, no matter how hard, and I am PROUD to demand change for future generations. I am PROUD to have the support I do have, even if I am missing it from others. I am PROUD to be raising my son in an inclusive environment so he can learn it now rather than in adulthood. I am PROUD that no matter who it is that is speaking negatively, I speak UP. I am PROUD of the generations who came before me who fought for the rights we do/did have. I am PROUD of lots of things, but to wrap it up, I am PROUD to be part of the LGBTQ+ community. That means I will fight for my community no matter which part of the acronym you identify as. If you’ve got me, I’ve got you. They aren’t just coming for one group; they are coming for all of us. As I start to wrap things up I just want to make something very clear. You cannot love someone and mock their identity at the same time.

One day I’ll look back on my life and I’ll be able to say I was on the right side of history. What will you say when you look back on your life?

CHOOSE LOVE.